Oatmeal
by IzzBot
Summary: Jack annoys Will over breakfast.


Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.

A/N: Just wrote this randomly, had this idea awhile ago and thought it was genius. But now I don't remember at all where I was going with it. But I tried, and this is what I came up with.

Jack woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Literally. On a normal day he rolled slightly to his left to impatiently flap his hand in the vicinity of the alarm clock in an attempt for it to SHUT UP. But today when he turned slightly to the left he found his hand to only be grabbing at pieces of his blue comforter. And pieces of his lovely one night stand's hair.

Paul? Pat? Peter?

Oh, right. Sam.

Sam the lovely, the gorgeous, the man with impeccable endurance. Sam, the guy who should've been a good little boy and skedaddled out of Jack's apartment before morning. But, no. Jack sighed. Now he had to go out of his way and get this poor fellow some breakfast, because that is what a nice person would do for the guy that they picked up at boy bar. Feed them. Jack knew that he was just too nice a person. Too giving, too caring. He should get an award for his after random sex conduct.

He rolled out of bed, despite the drowsy grabs coming from his sleepy bedmate. Grabbing a pair of pants (his or Sam's?) he walked out of the bedroom. Knowing already that his cupboards were bare, his refrigerator was empty, and his stove did not even work, he strolled right by the kitchen, out the door, and into his best friend's apartment.

Will was in his normal morning routine. All dressed and ready to go, with time to spare, of course. Paper open, oatmeal being haphazardly spooned into his mouth. He didn't even look up when he heard his door open and click shut behind the intruder.

"Will, you're looking particularly fat today. Something making poor Willie stress-eat? Perhaps the realization that you will always be alone? Or are you in a state of delirious depression, knowing that I do not return those lusty feelings I know you are harboring for me? I would bet my gym membership that you finished off the pint of double fudge ice-cream that was in your fridge last night. Am I right?"

Will blushed. It was true.

"And what has put you in such a pleasant mood today, Jack?" Will sarcasm was lost on the ever oblivious Jack.

"Well, at the moment, I have a particular lovely sleeping in my bed. Did you happen to get lucky as well, I wonder?" Jack paused a moment before bursting out laughing. "Why do I even bother asking? I mean, come on! You? Coming home with a guy? Ha!"

"As a matter of fact I did meet a guy."

"Yeah? Who?" Jack asked menacingly.

"His name is… Jake." Will didn't meet Jack's eyes.

"Sure, William. And I bet his last name is Gyllenhall. Keep dreaming." Jack snidely remarked.

"Jack, what are you here for? You know, Grace's makeup is in the bathroom. She got some new ruby red lipstick that I'm sure you'll love. Will go perfectly with the crimson gown you have in your closet." Will said glibly. Jack ignore him.

"As a matter of fact I have come for your food. It won't do for my future husband to go hungry, you know." Jack had slipped into the chair next to Will, talking in a conspiratorial tone.

"Take what you want. Leave me alone." Will was quickly becoming annoyed. Jack was being particularly himself today, which meant that he was being juvenile, bitchy, and headache-inducing.

"Fine, fine. Someone's testy!" Jack flicked Will's head before searching Will's cupboards.

"No, no. This won't do at all! Where are the pancakes, the French toast, the bacon? How am I supposed to cook Sean? Saul? Sam! How am I supposed to cook SAM a proper meal with this junk?" Jack complained.

"Um, is suggesting buying your own food too obvious, or do you just like imposing on me 24/7? Anyway, you know I'm on a low-carb, low-fat, low-sugar diet."

"Hmm… well, then. You do seem to be doing very well on it. You know, with the gallons of ice-cream, the pasta you ate at Pasquale's, and to top it all off…" Jack grabbed a brown bag from the garbage can, holding it in front of Will's face. "The Big Mac with the large fries and Big Gulp-sized Coke you got from McDonalds yesterday."

Will was seething silently. Putting a look of only slight annoyance on his face, he concentrated on his oatmeal, gripping his spoon tighter. He had just gained ten pounds, but today he promised himself that he would do good. And so far he was. He specially prepared this delectable but healthy breakfast to start off his day right. Mixing in some blueberries, nuts, and bananas, trying to add some flavor to the normally tasteless concoction. He made himself a tall glass of orange juice, and today, tea, instead of coffee. He had thought that his day had been going pretty damn well, until Jack came in.

"Jack, why don't you just scamper back over to YOUR apartment and go annoy unsuspecting Sam with you incessant chatter?"

"Well, in that case, I don't think you need this, then." Jack skipped past Will, grabbing his bowl with one hand, on his way toward the door.

"Jack!" The open newspaper rustled noisily as Will slapped it down and jumped up.

"Give me that!" Will yelled, fighting for the bowl. Jack just held it more out of reach. He swept past Will to behind the couch. Will followed and they circled the couch a few dozen times before pausing to take a breath.

Jack gave Will a saccharine smile before taking a big bite of his oatmeal, licking his lips slowly after each spoonful. Will jumped over the arm of the couch, hopping on the cushions to where Jack was slurping HIS breakfast. Jack ran in the opposite direction, laughing deliriously. Will gave up and collapsed back on the couch, groaning into a pillow.

Jack continued scooping huge amounts of the oatmeal into his mouth, taunting his friend, grinning derisively. Taking his eyes off his lamenting friend, he looked into the congealed mass that was Will's former meal. The pale color, the gooey consistency, the way it stuck half-way down his throat. He hated oatmeal. He really, really hated oatmeal. The slimy substance seemed to be mocking him. Jack glared into the bowl. He made a gagging sound before walking back to Will. With a fluid motion he poured the rest of the ucky mixture over Will's just washed, carefully styled hair.

"JACK! What the hell!" Will screamed, his hands forming fists. "I am going to kill you!"

Jack grinned broadly. He easily slipped out of Will's reach and ran out of the apartment, leaving his friend shaking with fury and a pile of drippy oatmeal on top of his head.

Suddenly, Jack walked calmly back into the apartment and stood directly in front of Will. Putting both hands on either side of his now oatmeal-covered face, Jack kissed him. Only a couple seconds passed before Jack was back out the door, laughing to himself. Will stood in the middle of his apartment, covered with oatmeal, and smiling.

A/N: Story makes more sense without the fluffy ending, I know. But then I couldn't giggle, and I like giggling over Will and Jack. And, by the way, I despise oatmeal. Review or I will hunt you down. Flames or praise.


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